Why is the first sentence always the hardest to write? Moving on... I am a slacker. I had great intentions creating this blog. It was going to be my creative outlet. Although I haven't actually shard my blog with anyone yet, I was going to talk about music, concerts, life experiences, and much more. Then, last semester, more specifically Jane Austen, happened.
Mark Twain once said, "I haven't any right to criticise books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticise Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone." (Letter to Joseph Twichell, 13 September 1898) I must say that I don't completely disagree with him. To be fair, I may not have disliked Jane Austen quite so much if I wasn't forced to read all of her books for an English class in a very short amount of time. Apparently the professor thought no one had a life outside of her class. Also, I received my lowest grade on an English paper ever, and the professor had written, "So what...?" after every paragraph. Ironically, that is the same thought I had while reading Jane Austen's novels. They weren't terrible, but they were all practically the same book. They had slightly different versions of the same characters, and they each ended exactly the same. All of that being said, that is the last English class I will ever have to take, unless I change my major to English (which is about as likely as me switching my major back to Chemistry. Worst idea ever!)
But I digress. Last year wasn't terrible. It wasn't great. There were some wonderful moments with some great friends, as well as some terrible ones. I'm pretty sure that's the same case for everyone, unless they are a hermit. I did successfully complete my New Year's resolution for last year, which was simply to not die. When I posted on Twitter one year ago that it was my resolution, a good friend told me that you could not die without actually living. But at that point in my life, just not dying was good enough for me.
So I think it's appropriate that my resolution for this year is to live. I am a very cautious person by nature, and I'm not really good at doing things that I'm not good at or are outside of my comfort zone. I am going to do my best to do things that scare me this year. Things could go horribly wrong, but I think that is just all a part of the living process.
Also, a dream that I had last night made me realize that I have serious problems when it comes to relationships. I dreamed that I was out for NYE with my BFF, as I really was last night before I went to bed. I saw this really cute guy walking out of the room and I told my BFF that I liked him. Cut to five minutes later (or whatever it was in dream-time) and he approached her while I wasn't paying attention, said he was into me, and gave her his number to give to me. I was immediately turned off and no longer found him attractive. I'm pretty sure that isn't normal, but the more I have thought about it today, the more I realize that I really am like that.
This winter marks the 5th year anniversary of the absolute lowest low of my life (at least thus far,) and although I have forgiven all parties involved and moved on with my life, I guess I have built up a huge wall making it impossible to get close to me. I have good reasons for doing such, but I don't think I can truly live unless I learn to let my guard down every once in a while. Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery, right?
This concludes the first blog post of 2013. I have a feeling this is either going to be a really great year or a really bad year, but definitely not just a mediocre one. Either way, hopefully I will actually be using my blog a little more often to help me document my journey.
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